Today we visit an alien planet where the last 5 Enterprise security officers have gathered to remember their fallen comrades.

Q: Explain to our readers who might not know, just what are the duties of a Red Shirt aboard the Enterprise?

Red Shirt 1: We are like the Marines. The first to go down and make sure it’s…. What was that? I just saw something move over there.

Red Shirt 2: Probably nothing. You’d better go check it out anyway.

Red Shirt 1: OK, I’ll be right back.

Q: Some say your job is the most dangerous in Starfleet. What attracted you to the work?

Red Shirt 2: Alien chicks. They dig the red shirt. Sure, it might be a salt vampire waiting to suck the life out of you, but if she can look like your third grade teacher…what was that noise?

Q: I didn’t hear anything. Probably the wind.

Red Shirt 2: No, it sounded like a muffled scream. I’d better go see what’s taking him so long. Could you hang onto my phaser for me? Captain Kirk would kill me if I lost another one.

Q: Sure.

Red Shirt 3: Sorry I’m late. I found this alien hive poised over an abyss and was poking it with a stick.

Q: You think that’s wise?

Red Shirt 3: Now that you mention it, I might have agitated them a bit.

Q: What is that thing on your back?

Red Shirt 3: What thing?

Q: That thing that looks like a flying squirrel.

Red Shirt 3: It’s only the best thing that’s every happened to me! I feel wonderful. You should try it.

Q: No, thanks.

Red Shirt 3: We insist. Join us in the glory of the hive!

Q: Maybe later. Your line of work is dangerous. Have you ever lost anyone close to you?

Red Shirt 3: Oh sure. I’ve had friends dehydrated, thrown into lava flows, fall into bottomless pits, stabbed by giant spears thrown by alien apes, killed by Gorn, Horta and androids, you name it. But it’s all part of the job, isn’t it? Oh, here comes Lt. Lucky.

Red Shirt 4: Hi. You guys should try this fruit, it’s delicious.

Q: Shouldn’t you have that tested first?

Red Shirt 4: Naw, a voice in my head keeps telling me it’s all right. Note: (At this point in the interview, he spontaneously explodes)

Q: That was horrible!

Red Shirt 3: Oh, grow up, people explode every day.

Q: You’re not really going to eat that too, are you?

Red Shirt 3: Yeah, why not?

Q: Lucky just exploded after eating it!

Red Shirt 3: You don’t know it was the fruit. He probably stepped on an exploding rock. See, I took a bite and nothing happened to… Note: (At this point in the interview, he spontaneously explodes)

Red Shirt 5: What the hell was that! I was over the hill exploring an alien ruin when I heard two explosions.

Q: Your friends ate exploding fruit. We had better get out of here.

Red Shirt 5: In a minute. There’s some cool stuff in that ruin. Look at this weird helmet I found.

Q: No! Don’t put it on!

Red Shirt 5: Hey, look it fits.

Q: Don’t you have any protocols you have to follow?

Red Shirt 5: Grandma? Is that you? How did you get to this planet?

Q: There’s no one there, and even if there was how could it be your grandma?

Red Shirt 5: Weird huh? I thought she died when I was twelve. Space is mysterious. Excuse me, she wants to show me something near the bottomless abyss.

Q: One to beam up.